Still, I think it’s probably true that as you get older you get more confident, or maybe you become more practised at hiding the nerves and pushing through them. (I think they call it denial…) On that first day on set, previous experience is only part of what steadied me. It was also sheer bloody-mindedness, and a little voice in my head saying, “Well you wanted this. Now let’s see if you can do it.”
So it turns out that, for me, 50 wasn’t just a time to reflect, it’s been a time to kick on. Having looked forward to some magical moment when I’d graduate into my “pottering years”, what I actually found was that raising small children, running a home, and managing a freelance career was actually just very tiring. So now, as my girls have grown up and wanted to be more independent, I’ve found new energy.
There’s this whole conversation around midlife where we talk about wisdom, acceptance and calm, all of which I’m drawn to in theory, but in practice, it’s not me. I come from a long line of eldest daughters, which means I have Opinions. And I see that same spark in my girls. There’s a photo I treasure of them kicking a football in their Disney princess dresses. In some ways, it’s a snapshot of being a woman in sport. You’re trying to kick it out of the park, and all the while someone is ready to tell you you’re not dressed appropriately.
We’re all supposed to be, if not body positive, then body neutral: to love ourselves as we are. That’s an admirable ambition, but honestly, if a bit of lipstick, a blow dry, or a tweakment makes you feel like you could take on the world, then why shouldn’t you? If you want to opt out entirely and never look in a mirror again, then I envy your zen. But I suspect that if you’re reading Vogue, you’re probably in the first camp with me.
We’ve definitely come a long way (I was born in 1975, the year unmarried women were first allowed to have a mortgage), but still, in most rooms where the big decisions get made, there are many more men than women. Which is why we tend to seek each other out for coffees and lunches and gifs pinging back and forth in WhatsApp groups. (Middle-aged women love gifs.) But there also has to be a deep confidence of your own, because mine is an industry where everyone has an opinion, and you need to know whose matters to you. You can’t wait for external validation. If you have a strong sense of self, you’re less easily knocked over – a bit like a Weeble – the wobbly 1970s toy I grew up with.
